Patrick sent us an email about how we might start developing unhealthy thoughts about our bodies at this point in our journey, despite the drastic changes. We start to get greedy for improvements. We want MORE MORE MORE! Um, hello. My name is Shivani, and I'm addicted to destructive self-criticism.
Whether I'm writing, teaching, loving, or cooking, I'll find something to berate myself about til the egg whites come home. So, it came as no surprise last week when I started grumbling at the lack of perfection in my arms, abs, and thighs. I'd grab at the bit of flesh on the side of my stomach or below the belly, or pinch that hint of a waddle under my arm, wishing it would all just melt away like this misunderstood evil one:
Today, I hit a new low in the self-loathing department. The hours of dissatisfaction (this is what happens when I start working, then take breaks to stare at myself in the mirror like a true narcissist and shake my waddle and blow out my stomach and ask god why I was born with dimply knees) made me want to overeat, which I did. I ate too much bread at lunch, and no, my stomach didn't rebel. It was happy and comforted and super self-righteous (you deserve the extra carb grams woman! You baked a pretty dope spelt and coconut flour loaf, after all!).
And now, rather than spiraling into a tunnel of self-hate, I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that tomorrow is another day!
On the exercise front, today was much better. My workout felt longer because I did each movement a tad slower in order to work the right muscles. I finally paid more attention to the photo captions that indicate which muscles we're supposed to target (better late than never).
I felt re-inspired when I came across a quote from my favorite writer, Junot Díaz (the PEAKIEST of all writers). I think what he says about writing applies to what we're trying to do here (just substitute "writer" with "peaker"):
"..in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway."
Even in our darkest hour, we keep peaking! Go on team! We're almost there.
Interesting post, it's funny what the mind does when you're not looking. I've had people who come in for their weekly body check and express frustration at ONLY losing 2 pounds that week. When, just a few weeks earlier, they would've been elated.
ReplyDeleteHow about cutting down on the mirror time until Day 90? Make it a mindfulness challenge. Then on the last day, have the big "reveal"!
And after we've got that perfect body ;) we will be asking for another type of hair, whiter teeth, brighter eyes... or will there be a day when we fall in love with the flowing creature in the mirror?
ReplyDeleteLoved the quote. I'm substituting writer with designer.
With all the work and effort we are putting in, I think it's natural to want to see the results of our efforts. It's just that in this "now, now, now" society we live in, I think it sometimes throws our perspective off. Don't worry though Shivani, you're looking great! The work you are putting in is obviously showing!
ReplyDeleteYay Shivani - just keep in mind that we're all our own worst critic, or else what would drive us to improve?
ReplyDeleteLooking Great!